


who else is there

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [14]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck's Self Worth is Linked to Sex, Comforting Eddie, Comforting Maddie, Cuddling & Snuggling, Gen, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Big Sister Maddie, Team Learns about the Therapist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21627868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Based off the following tumblr prompt:Buck Prompt: everyone in the 118 has someone outside of the job wives, husbands, kids, partners. Everyone except Buck, even Maddie has Chim to go home to. It occurs to everyone on the team that Buck doesn’t feel like he has anyone when he turns off his cellphone at work because really who is going to need to reach him?with the added fact of everyone else finding out about the therapist. Considered a pre-cursor to episode 3x09.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528010
Comments: 32
Kudos: 748
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	who else is there

**Author's Note:**

> I've been in a kind of writing slump with one of my other prompts, so I wrote this one instead. I hope everyone stays safe, and enjoys this piece of work.

The day started off like any other day starts off for Evan Buckley - slow. His alarm had gone off, blaring on the table next to his bed, more than once, and it had taken him a few minutes to shake off the fatigue his body was feeling from the calls of the previous day and not just continue to press snooze. He knew he needed to get up and go though, since today was a twenty-four hour shift before his weekend, which was something he was extremely thankful for. Then came the shower, which he almost fell back to sleep while doing - Buck didn’t understand why he was so tired, but it ended up with the turning of the cold dial to wake him up completely before that was done and over with - and after his shower, he had made his way to the lower level of his loft and stared at his counter for a few minutes, wondering if he should try making breakfast or just skip it for now. Looking at his watch, he couldn’t help but notice that he had plenty of time to get to work if he had chosen to make breakfast, but there was something inside of him that told him there was no point, and to just get to work immediately that day.

Shrugging the feeling off, Buck finds himself grabbing a granola bar before deciding to follow his instinct, and headed towards his apartment’s front door, opening it and closing it, deciding to head to work a little early. The way to his jeep is just as slow as the beginning of his day has been, and traffic, hilariously enough,  _ isn’t _ slow - Buck making it to work much earlier and quicker than he expected.

Making his way through the parking lot and then the building, Buck was surprised to find that everyone was already in the building, lounging around the communal area in the upper levels. Buck found himself stopping in surprise, his eyes widening before he lets out a small huff, shaking his head and chuckling to himself as he puts his stuff away in his locker before he makes his way upstairs, arching his eyebrows up at everyone.

“Why are you guys here so early?” Buck questions, flopping down on the empty space next to Eddie, ignoring the way his heart pounds steadily when the older man shifts and lets himself lean against Buck. Things between them are still a little tense, especially after Buck found out about the street fighting, but they’re slowly trying to get things better, though Buck hopes it happens soon -- he’s missed his best friend, missed having somewhere to go after work that’s not his dark, lonely apartment. Missed going home with Eddie, and seeing Christopher and --

Buck tries not to freeze at his inner monologue, knowing that it’s not the first time he’s thought of Eddie’s home as  _ his _ home, and it won’t be the last, either. Instead, he tries to focus on his family surrounding him, and how they all seem so down tonight, and how there hasn’t been an answer yet.

“Everything alright?” Buck asks, frowning at his team and family, moving a little so his leg is tucked underneath him, causing him to lean into Eddie more than before. He ignores the heat that courses up his body at the feeling of Eddie pressed against him, and instead, tries to focus on how Hen and Chim look bone-weary, still not sure what happened in the 12 hours since they last saw one another.

“Nothing bad has happened, thankfully,” Chim responds, while Hen smiles.

“I just found out the IVF worked and I’m...stunned,” Hen finishes with a shake of her head and a small smile on her face while Buck can’t help but grin wide and full of happiness.

“Hen, that’s amazing. Congratulations,” he says softly, moving forward to hug her, letting her squeeze him for a minute before pulling away.

“Yeah, it is,” Hen says with a chuckle, and Buck knows she’s still in disbelief, still in shock, “So I somehow have to call Karen and..share the good news with her.” Hen says while Buck frowns.

“Why didn’t they call her themselves?”

“She didn’t want to be the first person to know the good or bad news. It’s a -- a thing, we have,” Hen chuckles while Buck nods, not quite sure he understands. He doesn’t say anything though, choosing instead, to grab his phone and place it on the table. It’s early enough that no calls are coming in, and if any do, the other shift is the shift still taking them, so all four of them manage to just relax completely on the common area available to them. 

Buck doesn’t know how much time passes between then and when Bobby walks up the steps with his sister and Athena, but he finds himself frowning when he notices Maddie, wondering what she’s doing here, and what she’s holding.

“I told Bobby I’d help out with breakfast this morning,” she responds when she notices his stare, and Buck finds himself nodding before he lets himself stretch upwards, jostling Eddie as he does so, smiling a little when the older man lets out a small groan.

None of them move though, even when the sun begins to rise higher and higher in the sky, most of the team just content to stay where they are, even when Hen manages to get a hold of Karen, and Bobby and Athena hear the good news. There’s a contentment coursing through the upper level - through all of them, and with the smell of food wafting in the air, Buck feels like nothing could go wrong in the moment, which he finds himself extremely grateful for.

The moment breaks however, when Buck’s phone rings, and he finds himself frowning at it before shrugging. Grabbing the phone, he rejects the call without bothering to look at the ID and places the phone back onto the table before looking up and blinking in surprise when he sees everyone looking at him.

“What?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek as Hen tilts her head and Bobby arches his left eyebrow. 

“Do you always hang up on calls, Buck?” Chim questions while Buck finds himself frowning and shrugging, not sure what he’s supposed to say right now.

“Why does it matter?” He asks, looking around the room and noticing how everyone is watching him. He feels his insides squirming, feels like he’s under a microscope and isn’t a fan of the feeling, but he doesn’t know what he should do to get the attention he has on something or someone else.

“Well, what if it was someone or something important?” Athena asks and Buck can’t help but let out a laugh, shaking his head before stopping when everyone continues to stare at him.

“You’re...you’re not joking?” He can’t help but ask, voice small as his body curls inward on itself, the feeling of  _ wrongness _ coursing through him suddenly. 

“No? Buck, why would we --” Hen asks while Buck can feel Eddie’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. Part of him is thankful that his best friend is able to read him so well, but another part of him just wants to curl up somewhere and hide, though he knows that that’s probably not going to fly with his team right now.

“Well, why would it be someone important? All of you guys are here, including Maddie. And Carla would call Eddie if something was up with Christopher before she would call me,” Buck responds after a few minutes, his eyebrows furrowing when he notices everyone blinking at him. He doesn’t understand why everyone is staring at him like this, and with his heart pounding inside his chest, Buck finds himself shifting, clearly uncomfortable, especially when he notices almost everyone opening and closing their mouths like a fish out of water.

A few minutes pass by like this before Chim hums and Bobby looks away, and Buck still doesn’t know what’s going on.

“What about Ali?” Athena questions and Buck scoffs, arching his eyebrows at the policewoman in front of him.

“We broke up  _ months _ ago, Athena. And even if we hadn’t, she preferred texting over calling in her personal life,” Buck responds with a shrug of his shoulders, looking around the room while everyone continues to stare at him. He’s beginning to feel awkward, doesn’t know what is going on and what everyone is thinking, but a rather large part of him wanted to just get up and leave. However, Eddie’s hand on his shoulder is calming him down and keeping him in place, and Buck -- Buck doesn’t know what to do with that.

“So then you hung up because --” Bobby begins while Buck lets out a small huff of breath, beginning to feel a little frustrated.

“Because it won’t be anyone I know. The only people who call me are pretty much right here with me.” Buck responds tightly, lips pressing together as he locks his fingers together so he doesn’t end up fidgeting a little more than what’s normal for him.

The room remains quiet for a few minutes, everyone looking at one another before Maddie steps forward and grabs his hands, kneeling in front of him with a look on his face that he’s always considered a look that will never end well for him.

“Evan, are you saying that outside of everyone in this room, there’s no one to talk to?” Buck can hear a quiver in his sister’s voice and briefly, he feels guilty, but he lets himself nod, eyes widening as he slowly begins to understand why everyone keeps looking at him.

It’s because they never believed him when he said there was no one to go home to, to go back to. That the one-eighteen was his family and everything else.

“Yeah.” Buck responds with a small shrug of his shoulders, looking around the room, a stunned silence permeating it. 

“There’s  _ no one _ you can talk to, man?” Chim questions, and Buck opens his mouth, but before he can --

“What about the therapist I sent you to?” Bobby questions and Buck feels something cold go through him - an icy slip up and down his spine, causing him to straighten immediately, the room taking notice with confused looks being thrown around. He doesn’t want to get into this, but he knows he’s going to have to say something, and there’s a moment of  _ fear _ that courses through him.

“Yeah, I haven’t been back to her after the first session,” Buck responds quietly, looking away and shrugging his shoulders. He  _ knows _ he’s asking for it to be looked into by his actions, but he finds himself hoping that no one calls him out on it.

Only to be unsuccessful when Bobby frowns and steps closer, arms folded in front of his chest, “Why?” Bobby questions and Buck finds himself slumping forward before looking around.

“Well, why would I talk to a therapist like a friend?” Buck questions, hoping his own question will have everyone forgetting about Bobby’s question, but he knows it’s not going to work when Hen hums and Bobby looks at him with something akin to disappointment, causing Buck’s insides to squirm in a way he completely does not like.

“You wouldn’t. But that’s not what I asked, Buckaroo,” Bobby responds back with and Buck lets out a soft breath, shifting in his spot, leaning against Eddie a little more, smiling when Eddie moves his arm so it’s around Buck’s shoulders. He can see everyone take note of it, but he’s thankful that no one has said anything, simply because Buck and Eddie haven’t talked about what’s going on between them, the flirting and touching.

And he’d rather do that first before everyone else begins to tease them about it.

“Does it matter?” Buck questions, trying his hardest not to whine, but he’s not too sure he’s successful when he notices Maddie looking at him like she did when they were kids, and Buck wasn’t getting his way with their parents.

“Not at first, man. But you keep avoiding answering, and now it does,” Chim responds for Bobby, everyone else nodding while Buck lets out another huff of air, looking towards Eddie and Maddie, and biting his lower lip. He knows what’s going to happen if he tells them what happened, and why he’s no longer seeing the therapist Bobby sent him to. And being honest with himself, Buck doesn’t want to see the people closest to him judge him.

“Buck, it’s okay,” Eddie whispers and Buck could feel something inside of him soaring, and he’s pretty sure it’s his heart, but he doesn’t want to focus too much on that, because he knows how obvious he’ll be if he does.

“I wouldn’t -- I stopped going to her after the first session because we had sex,” Buck responds with a shrug, ignoring the way everyone gasps, how Eddie tightens next to him and how Maddie looks at him in horror.

Already, Buck knows that things are going wrong. Maddie is looking at him like he’s wrong, and Eddie is tense next to him, and he has no doubt they’re disgusted by him. He can’t help but tense up himself, the urge to run and flee more stronger than ever, but he can’t, because he’s frozen. Briefly, he looks over to Bobby and flinches back at the look of anger on his face, ignoring how Athena steps up to him and squeezes his shoulder before making her way to Buck.

“Buck,” Athena says and Buck looks at her in confusion, eyes narrowed a little as he wonders what’s going on.

“What she did --” Athena begins and Buck frowns and then tilts his head in confusion before shaking his head, realizing what she’s trying to say.

“It’s not like I didn’t want it,” he whispers, looking at his hands, avoiding everyone’s eyes. He can’t take the tension in the room though and breaks away from Eddie, and Maddie, and even Athena, walking towards the stairs, needing to get away. He can hear everyone following him, and he tries to ignore the sounds echoing in the large building. He knows he can’t leave, he’s still on a shift, but he needs privacy, needs --

“Buck, wait,” Eddie shouts and Buck can only shake his head as he heads towards the spare bunk rooms that are available, opening the door to the first room he comes to, thankful the room is empty. 

He’s positive he slams the door behind him, but he doesn’t hear it close and as he makes his way to the bottom of the bunk, he’s not surprised to see Eddie closing the door, nodding at his sister, who is right beside him. The sight of his sister and his best friend next to one another is discombobulating, and Buck has to blink a few times as he tries to figure out where to go from here, because if there’s one thing that’s obvious, it’s that they want to talk to him about the damn therapist. 

Sitting on the bunk, Buck watches Eddie and Maddie carefully, and lets out a small sigh, knowing that what happens next is going to be hell. He looks down in front of him, noticing a stray thread from one of the blankets the bunk and begins to pick at the thread, waiting for one of them to say something, to get this over with.

He spots Eddie sit next to him, moving his legs so he’s sitting cross-legged, and Maddie in front of him. It’s a tight squeeze on the small bunk, with all of their heads nearly skimming the bottom of the bunk above them

“Evan,” Maddie whispers after the silence becomes unbearable, grabbing his left hand and squeezing, lacing their fingers together. Buck doesn’t want to do anything in this moment, but he finds himself looking at Maddie with a small roll of his eyes, trying to alleviate the tension in the room.

“I thought I told you I prefer Buck,” he voices, his voice cracking while Maddie lets out a huff, remembering the familiar argument often.

“Yeah, well, I just found out my little brother was essentially raped. Let me use your proper name for a couple of minutes, alright?” Maddie whispers, ignoring the way Buck flinches and how he nods, letting out a small series of breaths. Buck, like Maddie, ignores the way Eddie squeezes his hand tightly and he wonders when Eddie even grabbed his free hand, briefly looking at him before turning back to Maddie with a frown.

“Is it really considered rape if I wanted it?” Buck questions, his voice small as he looks away and down, not noticing how Maddie and Eddie look at one another before shifting closer. He feels his heart pounding against his rib cage and logically, he knows the answer to that.

Hell, he’s answered that for the women and men he’s met on the job who had been raped themselves, and his answer has always stayed the same. But Buck…

Buck doesn’t think he counts. There was the fact that when it happened, he had been Buck one point oh, and he knew what that version of himself was like. He relied on sex - not just for the satisfaction of it, but he relied on it for his self worth. He thought that without it, he was good at nothing, he  _ was _ nothing.

So yeah, he slept with his therapist. And even after, when she told him it was to never be mentioned again, and he felt so wrong, so  _ damn wrong _ , he still wanted it, originally, and --

“Buck,” He hears Eddie whispering and Buck looks up at his best friend with a frown, trying to look down but being unable to do so.

“Buck,” Maddie also whispers and Buck looks up at her, and then at Eddie, and he can’t stop the huff of breath that escapes him as he shifts on the bed. Outside, he can hear people walking around, things being slammed or thrown or protected and put away and he doesn’t understand what’s going on, but he wishes he could just get away from this conversation.

“Buck, even if you  _ wanted _ it, it’s still rape,” Eddie says and Buck can’t stop the full body flinch from occurring, even as Eddie and Maddie’s hold on his hands tighten.

“But I--”

“She held a position of power over you, Buck. That makes it rape. Whether you wanted it or not,” Maddie interrupts, squeezing Buck’s hand once more while he sucks back a breath, not sure how to respond. 

“Did you… you know she added me to social media? I was there, sharing my feelings, baring my soul, and she had come closer, squeezed my hand like you are, Mads. And it was then that I realized I had recognized her, and why I recognized her,” Buck whispers, looking at Eddie briefly when he hears some form of noise coming from the other man, a noise that sounds a lot like a growl.

“When I realized how and why I recognized her, it was like--” Buck begins before pausing, biting his lower lip before letting out a small huff of breath. “You guys don’t know what I was like, back then. I’ve changed, and I’ve changed  _ a lot _ in the short amount of time. It was always about sex with me. I didn’t want a connection, didn’t care for one. I was just looking for the next night of pleasure.” Buck says, voice soft as he slowly begins to fidget with his fingers even more.

“It wasn’t until Abby that I wanted to at least  _ try _ and not have my self-worth linked to sex, and that was… an experience, yeah, but before that? I wasn’t someone you would’ve been proud of Mads, or someone you would’ve wanted to meet Christopher, Eddie. I was…. A frat boy, essentially.” Buck whispers, raising his hand to wipe at his eyes, tasting saltiness from tears that had fallen without his knowing.

“Buck.  _ Buck _ .” Eddie whispers, moving closer towards Buck though Buck doesn’t understand how, since they’re practically already touching knees anyways. Buck finds himself gulping, eyes straying towards Eddie’s lips like normal, but he focuses his energy on Eddie completely instead, taking a breath.

“The  _ moment _ that woman saw you as a potential client, she should have declined you as a client, especially since she was friending you on social media. What she did was  _ illegal _ , Buck. She abused the power she had over you, had sex with you after you opened up to her, and then probably made you feel guilty as hell about it,” Eddie responds while Buck looks at him with wide eyes because --

“Yeah, pretty much,” He can’t help but scoff, rubbing his face as his entire body slumps into Eddie’s arms, and he can’t help but wonder  _ when _ Eddie originally wrapped his arms around him. He hears Maddie whisper something, and then the door open and close, a flash of light coming and going just as fast, and he briefly wonders where his sister went, and if she’s coming back any time soon.

“She said it shouldn’t have happened. That --” Buck begins before shrugging, ignoring the way Eddie looks like he wants to punch something, or someone.

“Because she knows what she did was  _ wrong _ , Buck. You might have wanted to have sex with her in the moment, but she abused her power over you, and in any court of law, that’s considered rape,  _ especially _ since it happened in a work capacity.” Eddie whispers, hands resting on Buck’s cheek as Buck begins to feel more and more hollowed out. 

“Where’s Maddie gone?” Buck asks.

“Gone to talk to Bobby. Make sure that therapist isn't working, because if she  _ is _ , then she’s probably doing it to other of her patients, which is never alright.” Eddie whispers and Buck realizes Eddie is right - easily - and Buck doesn’t know how he never realized that.

He opens and closes his mouth, feeling like an idiot for not realizing sooner that she probably has more people who feel dirty and --

“Buck, you understand right? That what she did wasn’t your fault. That you’re in no way to blame for what happened. And that just because you were a sexual being doesn’t mean you deserved what happened.” Eddie whispers and Buck -- Buck feels something release from his shoulders as he nods his head at Eddie and then leans his forehead down on Eddie’s shoulder.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed before Eddie is moving the two of them around to where they’re lying down on the bunk bed instead, legs tangled together. Buck finds himself shifting slightly, turning so he’s on his side with his head resting against Eddie’s heart, the beat of it thrumming against his ear, causing him to calm down.

“Thank you,” he whispers after who knows how long of silence between the two of them.

“Always,” Eddie whispers, kissing the top of Buck’s head and shifting himself, eyes resting on Buck, who has fallen asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me comments and constructive criticism. Find me on my tumblr, @smartbuckley. Work is, as always, unbeta'd.


End file.
